This will not take long.
Today is October 27th, Zoe's birthday. I could not go to bed, and let this day go by without acknowledging it.
October 27th, 2005. That's when she was born. I loved her. I love her.
Zoe, sweetest baby girl.. I miss you so much that it hurts to breathe.. It hurts to move, it hurts to think.. It's been four years, and I have missed you for three. I take that back, I missed you the second I had you and knew I would never be able to keep you with me. And oh my god.. I miss you more than ever tonight. My life has steadily become a disheveled mess of hurt, but I would go through this millions of times if it meant that you could have stayed in my arms forever. I picked up one of your blankets the other day and I fell to pieces when your scent had faded off. I do not know how to keep going without you, I do it anyways though. And it is wretched walking through each day, having to wake up every morning and forcing myself to accept that I will not walk in the living room to find you playing, or eating or smiling your pretty smile at me.. Forcing myself to accept that I will not comb your red curls. Forcing myself to accept that it's real, and I will not wake to find your curled into my chest and smelling like lavender.
You are the only thing in my life that I am proud of, and I wish I could be so much better than who I am now, for you. I am trying baby.. Nomatter what, I could never be more proud of you. You deserved a much more wonderful mommy than me, but you were mine.. and I love you more than I could ever write or say or show you. And I just wish you were here right now, touching me with your baby girl hand and making me feel so much better..
I love you baby girl, you always will be my entire heart.. I just wish and wish that I could tell you how much I love you and miss you.. It's so empty without you, and I am so lonely. I miss the way you would just sit with me and make me feel like I was accepted, nomatter what. Nomatter my choices, or mistakes..
I love you my baby... so much. so so much.. I just hate at the end of every night, it just feels like saying goodbye to you all over again.. and I know its because I am so sad.. But I honestly feel you all time, and think of you in everything I do..
I miss you more than physically possible that it spans limitless.. I love you. I love you baby..
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Party in the oven, chips for free.
whatever makes sense
Above me no seraphims or nymphs,
but crew-cut men, walkie-talkies, crisp
uniforms, the tallest saying,
"Sir, you'll have to leave."
This room with its mahogany clock,
azure lights, dozens of new chairs
set in perfect lines, the grain
smooth as vowels. Among tables a few students
scribble notes, others thumb pages
and everywhere the smell
of fresh wax. Down four flights
we march, one in front and one
behind, past portraits of dour
Southern fathers, stations splashed
with lilies and nudes, past
magazines, blunt newspapers,
thy willowy librarian
hovering with pictures above children, banished
from this kingdom of books,
dear lover, i too
have wasted my life.
but crew-cut men, walkie-talkies, crisp
uniforms, the tallest saying,
"Sir, you'll have to leave."
This room with its mahogany clock,
azure lights, dozens of new chairs
set in perfect lines, the grain
smooth as vowels. Among tables a few students
scribble notes, others thumb pages
and everywhere the smell
of fresh wax. Down four flights
we march, one in front and one
behind, past portraits of dour
Southern fathers, stations splashed
with lilies and nudes, past
magazines, blunt newspapers,
thy willowy librarian
hovering with pictures above children, banished
from this kingdom of books,
dear lover, i too
have wasted my life.
We've met before
Homosapien..nism.
I Think I Need a Page Element for Original Ravings
You talk about dissapointment
the insinuating perfume of the last woman
to leave you. Or the day your life
Seemed to hang by a thread
anyone could snap. But no one did.
It isn't easy to feel convinced
that every part of the world can be used
against you. That loneliness
Real loneliness , won't ever desert you
That it changes into a kind of comfort.
You tell your friend you live surrounded
By the logic of terrible mistakes.
And listening to yourself think
Is another way of losing hold.
But it's not. Trust me. That's what I know
Living where I've always lived, inside
this body you'd tremble to imagine
which is why you want to imagine me
and tremble. To feel certain
You and I share almost nothing.
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