This will not take long.

Today is October 27th, Zoe's birthday. I could not go to bed, and let this day go by without acknowledging it.

October 27th, 2005. That's when she was born. I loved her. I love her.

Zoe, sweetest baby girl.. I miss you so much that it hurts to breathe.. It hurts to move, it hurts to think.. It's been four years, and I have missed you for three. I take that back, I missed you the second I had you and knew I would never be able to keep you with me. And oh my god.. I miss you more than ever tonight. My life has steadily become a disheveled mess of hurt, but I would go through this millions of times if it meant that you could have stayed in my arms forever. I picked up one of your blankets the other day and I fell to pieces when your scent had faded off. I do not know how to keep going without you, I do it anyways though. And it is wretched walking through each day, having to wake up every morning and forcing myself to accept that I will not walk in the living room to find you playing, or eating or smiling your pretty smile at me.. Forcing myself to accept that I will not comb your red curls. Forcing myself to accept that it's real, and I will not wake to find your curled into my chest and smelling like lavender.
You are the only thing in my life that I am proud of, and I wish I could be so much better than who I am now, for you. I am trying baby.. Nomatter what, I could never be more proud of you. You deserved a much more wonderful mommy than me, but you were mine.. and I love you more than I could ever write or say or show you. And I just wish you were here right now, touching me with your baby girl hand and making me feel so much better..

I love you baby girl, you always will be my entire heart.. I just wish and wish that I could tell you how much I love you and miss you.. It's so empty without you, and I am so lonely. I miss the way you would just sit with me and make me feel like I was accepted, nomatter what. Nomatter my choices, or mistakes..

I love you my baby... so much. so so much.. I just hate at the end of every night, it just feels like saying goodbye to you all over again.. and I know its because I am so sad.. But I honestly feel you all time, and think of you in everything I do..

I miss you more than physically possible that it spans limitless.. I love you. I love you baby..

I don't get it!

I always figured life works itself out, eventually. It's a common philosophy, and often we are taught it early in life. Don't sweat the small stuff, follow your heart, it all happens for a reason etc. I say what a load of fluff.
Everything happens for a reason, sometimes when a person pieces this sentiment together and unleashes it upon me for what seems like my benefit, I am often struck by an overwhelming desire to run through a glass door. Not everything happens for a reason, quite often, terrible things happen for no reason at all. Everything simply happens, and not for the benefit of anyone. Lives are destroyed, and people hurt because there really is no other choice. Someone has to get the short end of the stick. (Or is it the straw?) We say that everything happens for a reason, because it we stopped believing that, then we'd realize how little control we really have. Oftentimes we try to excuse it all by claiming we have learned valuable life lessons through trying experiences. Who cares? "Valuable life lessons," are only there to cover up how much we have lost, and how deeply rooted the damage is.
Lucky few grow in open acceptance, re-learning the art of love and vulnerability. And while life is a continuous bout of learning, we do not all continue to grow. Some digress from places of warmth and individuality, to coldness. These people walk amongst you, mothers, children, husbands, bosses, and seem life-like. If you could hear their minds, you might would discover that people can become unrecognizable to themselves as a life. Apathy, loneliness, ambivalence, mistrust, these are the diseases of humankind; stopping you in your tracks and letting you question if you really, truly and honestly, love anything at all.
And it's stupid. Stupid that life is going to be hard, and that we all will be hurt in various traumatizing ways. Life is not hard so that it can teach you coy lessons in appreciation and coping. Events come and go leaving all the negative space around our bodies without even the slightest consideration for how much we can take before our minds begin to shut down and we shut ourselves off from the world, each other, and to our own self. And everything happens. People we have loved die, relationships end, and the people who hurt us go free.
While we might never have understanding for each other, at least the common thread of heartache connects us all in sometimes twisted, but comforting ways.

I have a day off of work, and aside from this pile of laundry, I am perfectly content to sit here and blog while listening to Chris Thile sing me some Heart in a Cage.

I have also discovered Hana Pestle, who sings beautifully and I do not mind putting her on repeat.

This blog is not interesting at all.. I am going to have to brainstorm to make this thing even remotely readable.

I'll do it later. I'm being distracted by Chris Thile, myspace, and the need to shave my legs.

This Ramen isn't Hitting the Spot

I am pretty lame at posting in my blog I have here, not to mention I have not necessarily been in a writing mood as of late. Typically I feel like like if I can't write anything wonderfully, I'd rather be that lazy person and just avoid the work.
This week my husband is out of town working, and I am in the routine of shower, work, sleep, when he is gone. I understand a healthy relationship requires some personal space every once in awhile, but a whole week of "space" far exceeds said recommended amount. I will be one of those pining women if I please and openly admit that I miss my husband constantly when he is away. I miss him talking in his sleep to me, (Having whole conversations about the need to purchase insurance for our cat) not to mention he is a great space heater in drafty rooms. I miss coming home to him after work and doing mundane things like watching re-runs of House and The Colbert Report on www.hulu.com. (Though I can not seem to force him to watch re-runs of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with me.) I miss him cracking jokes about the most random of subjects and the quick come-backs. It's also his birthday this week, (March 3rd) and I will not get to be there with him in Panama City and bake him a cake or give him his present or anything.. which makes both of us sad.
I thought about sending flowers, or a super-lame singing telegram, but I figured he would probably be less annoyed with not having a present on his exact birthdate, as opposed to me spending nearly forty bucks on something that is going to wither in a week, or show up singing at his doorstep wearing a fruit basket on their head. ...I'll just wait for the weekend.

On another note, I am working at a place called MatchMaker International. No, it is not an escort service. Yes, it is a match making company, and I don't mean the things you light a fire with. My title within the company is that of "Telephone Counselor" which is actually not much more than a receptionist who goes a little bit above the call of duty. What happens is that people submit their dating profiles to us directly via internet at www.gulfcoastsingles.net, or call us from signs we have put out, or just from flipping throught the Yellow Pages. I receive and make calls, establish contact with the individual, relay the details of our introductory service (Confidential, memebership program, criminal background check, making sure everyone is financially stable, etc.) and I take a loose history of their dating life, past, and current desires. Upon doing so I set up an appointment time, in which they will hopefully show up to and purchase one of the packages we offer. I receive commission based on the sale etc. Currently I am not the crappiest employee, I am actually ranked in the No.1 spot amongst other associated who perform my same job description.
It's a pretty fun job, not to pyschotic and I am not miserable to have to go to work everyday, but of course it is not fulfilling to my ambition or future educational desires. It works for now, and hopefully will work right toward that education I look forward to, amongst other things.

Lance and I also have a house! Unfortunately, it will be a while before we are able to completely move into it. It is located in Coden, alabama. (Coden is beyond bayou la batre) It is not our "dream home" but it is a home and we are attatched to the wrecked, little thing. Working on it has been like completly rebuilding a new home, which in the end is not too bad... We will definitely get more than what we paid for it when we choose to sell one day.. It's just going to be nice to have someplace to call OUR home. We have my mother's house which feels like my home, and his mother's which has been his home for a long time too... But we've not really had a place to call our own.. and It's going to be so nice to have that. It's out in the boonies a little bit, but I don't care! With some TLC, it's going to be wonderful. Maybe I will try to get some pictures up here of our gradual progress.

This blog is boring, I know.. Maybe I will try to get something a little less junky up here this week. I am sleepy now, and I am not quite looking forward to snuggling a pile of unfolded clothes, when my cuddle partner is a state away. I need to get up in the morning and work on my house, tear down some more walls and whatever else I am capable of doing without breaking it.