Debbie Downer

It's been over a year since i have taken time out to write in this little blog. I am still reluctant to put it all back out there, but I think it's time i take on a positive form of communication that I feel at ease with, and writing my thoughts out has always been my ideal form of expression. So here I am again, plucking away at a keyboard and trying to bring out all the "tangible" in head that always seems to have thoughts strewn in every direction. I always imagined that the artistic portrait of my mind would look alot like my room, disorganized with random crap stuffed into whatever corner or cubby that would keep it somewhat concealed. I don't really have a method to my madness, it's just your run of the mill chaos that you promise to clean up, but never get around to doing it. That's right folks, I'm the panty drawer that you lost your keys in. Or is that the refridgerator? Whatever the cliche is, I buy into it like it's Wal-Mart stock.

I feel as if something needs to be said in regard to my last entry I had made, about my baby Zoe. October 27th was her 3rd birthday, and I really had not realized until then how deeply rooted grief is, and how long it stays with you. I had never intended to push the process of grieving to the side, but I believe it is most human's nature to try and put it off as long as possible.. but now it taken double the time for the heartbreak to even ebb away. This October 27th was a complete breakdown of my defenses against going through this process, never have I so acutely felt the realization of what my life is like without her physically here with me. And someone who has never experienced the realoty of losing a child, can not fully understand the depth of what i am trying to write.
Everyday I feel like i am clawing myself out of a pit and trying to go completely insane. My world often feels surreal to the point that it's as if I am watching myself from a bird's eye, and this unrecognizable person is performing routines and going through the motions of life. I will be at work, and suddenly I am nearly toppled by this desire cry and scream and punch holes in wall. Otherwise, My mind is so far away from tasks that days begin to blend seamlessly together, and the biggest and smallest thoughts are shadowed by my memories and the grief that follows soon thereafter. I often wonder how will I ever be able to get anywhere close to getting past not having been able to finish raising her, and watching her grow.. her life would never have been anything similar to a normal child but way of her hydranencephaly.. but if anything, it makes it that much harder.
Every holiday and event is peaked with this overwhelming knowledge that I will be unable to do these wonderful things I loved doing when i was growing up, and still enjoy into adulthood. Carving a pumpkin, cooking thanksgiving dinner, decorating a christmas tree... These events are monumental attestations of something I will never have. I see other parents partaking in these tasks with their children, and all I can feel is the sting of loss, forcing myself to accept this over and over again. I don't think many people truly understand how it feels, and the extent of which the loss of a child affects a parent.
And I feel so guilty for admitting this, but I have let this grief transfer onto the people I love, and damage my relationships. I have become so untouchable at times, that I can't even believe the way I act and react. It's so alien to me, but it's like a train I can't stop. I know, for a fact, that Zoe would not have me feel so torn and detached from everyone I love, and maybe it's of my own guilt and selfishness that I continue to feel this way. But one day i began to forget the exact way she smiled and I felt devastated, as if I were forgetting her.. The human mind can be such a stupid thing, time making us gradually forget all the things we hold so close to our hearts. A couple days later i had a dream about with her in it, nothing long or drawn out, but it was wonderful, and heartbreaking at the same time. I dreamt that my mother and I were standing outside of some insignificant store, and I had zoe in her stroller. I looked at her and stroked her cheek, and she smiled at me. That was the end of the dream, and I recall it everyday when i feel like i am losing bits and pieces of my memories.
I know to honor her, I need to keep moving on with this process of grief. She would not have me be broken all the time, but I miss her so damned much that there are days that I just can't stop it from running me over like a semi-truck. I expected to have bad days and good days, and hours and minutes in between of happiness and complete, uncontrollable sorrow.. But not even the best words can express how exactly I feel, and grieve, nor how difficult it is for those on the outside of my own existence who love and cherish me dearly to have to take a path in this road with me.
But like always, the words I get so tired of hearing, are true.. One day at a time. I hate that stupid, overused, phrase, sounds like a gentler way of "Just get over it." But I really know no other way of living.. Just to live life as it comes with all the crap it brings, and all the greatness it can posses.
I wonder sometimes, as much as I ache to have more children, if i could do it again.. Risk my heart to such uncertainty.. It seems like such a bad idea, having children. But My sister is having a baby soon, and i think it's the most beautiful thing in the world, and I hope one day I will be so lucky again to have another child in my life I can love as much as I love my Zoe. Which if anything, I learned I need to hold close and love my family and friends.. And I have not been doing a good job at that, and i suppose it starts with loving myself again too, which I have not done for a very long time.

I love you baby Zoe, and you are the most perfect thing I ever had enter into my life. And if I can have nothing else in this life to call mine and be proud of it, and if I never do anything beautiful ever again.. I will have had you.