“The Juggernaut”
Tuesday morning, I stumble haphazardly out of my bed and directly into a wall whilst on my way to take a shower. I suppose I ought to find this routine frustrating, but my collisions with inanimate objects have become habitual for me. Around the vicinity of 7:15 AM I walk out of the door and am immediately confronted with the bane of my existence. This demon is known as a Kia Sephia that I have unbefittingly named (after an X-men character, nonetheless) The Juggernaut. It is parked arrogantly in the driveway, economy sized and metallic green, taunting me with its dilapidation. The Juggernaut and I stare at each other in silent confrontation. When I feel as if I can procrastinate no longer I take out my keys and start the engine, fearing the worst.
Tuesday morning, I stumble haphazardly out of my bed and directly into a wall whilst on my way to take a shower. I suppose I ought to find this routine frustrating, but my collisions with inanimate objects have become habitual for me. Around the vicinity of 7:15 AM I walk out of the door and am immediately confronted with the bane of my existence. This demon is known as a Kia Sephia that I have unbefittingly named (after an X-men character, nonetheless) The Juggernaut. It is parked arrogantly in the driveway, economy sized and metallic green, taunting me with its dilapidation. The Juggernaut and I stare at each other in silent confrontation. When I feel as if I can procrastinate no longer I take out my keys and start the engine, fearing the worst.
Gradually The Juggernaut shudders to life and we begin our journey to the University of South Alabama. This sojourn is both annoying and tiresome, not because I am attempting functional ability off of very few hours of sleep, nor because I am in the midst of dreading an 8:00 AM class that is astoundingly boorish. I am currently cursing the automotive industry because The Juggernaut compulsively breaks into seizure-like activity every time we come to a stop on Airport Boulevard. As I feel the violent shaking of my hands on the steering wheel, I stare out of the windshield, brimming with contempt.
If the pseudo-neurological conditions were the only flaw The Juggernaut had, I might consider myself lucky! However, this not the case and this beast came equipped with several other flaws. I use the word flaw very lightly; as I am assured that this car is committing these heinous acts of self-destruction purposely, in order to deprive me of my sanity. The windshield has a web like crack that seems to have enlarged every time I see it from where The Juggernaut maliciously attacked a bird. The windows occasionally crack themselves open, and of course this seems to happen each time rain is involved so as to result in incriminating dampness patterns on my jeans. Also, I thought the economy size vehicle was supposed to have decent gas mileage, I was wrong. The Kia Sephia guzzles gasoline like a catholic uncle at the family Christmas party. (Hopefully your catholic uncle will be drinking something other than gasoline, and you preferably will not find your Kia Sephia passed out on your lawn in content disarray.)
If the pseudo-neurological conditions were the only flaw The Juggernaut had, I might consider myself lucky! However, this not the case and this beast came equipped with several other flaws. I use the word flaw very lightly; as I am assured that this car is committing these heinous acts of self-destruction purposely, in order to deprive me of my sanity. The windshield has a web like crack that seems to have enlarged every time I see it from where The Juggernaut maliciously attacked a bird. The windows occasionally crack themselves open, and of course this seems to happen each time rain is involved so as to result in incriminating dampness patterns on my jeans. Also, I thought the economy size vehicle was supposed to have decent gas mileage, I was wrong. The Kia Sephia guzzles gasoline like a catholic uncle at the family Christmas party. (Hopefully your catholic uncle will be drinking something other than gasoline, and you preferably will not find your Kia Sephia passed out on your lawn in content disarray.)
Perhaps The Juggernaut would not be in such dire need for fuel if you did not burn half of it in a futile attempt to accelerate. I often find my gas pedal pressed to the floor so that I might reach the astounding speed of 35 miles per hour; all the while The Juggernaut ‘s engine makes an ungodly sound that is comparable to a lion dying in the Sahara. I have not ever heard the utterance of a lion dying in the Sahara, but I assume it sounds like this.
The Juggernaut never seems to manage to stay clean for long. It is my hypothesis that garbage and other random objects are mysteriously transferred onto my backseat. You say this is impossible, and chuck up the clutter problem to my disorganization and pack-rat lifestyle. You are wrong Mon ami. My belief is that The Juggernaut has tractor beam-like qualities that it exerts to attain little wretches to put in the backseat. For example, this morning I was looking for my blueberry Pop Tarts that I thought I had set out the night before to eat for breakfast in the morning. They were nowhere to be found in the house. Later that day when I was driving to work, I opened the storage compartment and was distressed to find my Pop Tarts lying there in their silver wrapper. Coincidence? I think not. Where will it stop? Today it might be breakfast, but tomorrow it might be your mother, or perhaps even your children!
There are times in which I wonder if basic upkeep of The Juggernaut would make a difference in its existence. Undoubtedly, a check up of the Kia could not be detrimental to this malevolent beast. I suppose I cold learn how to change a tire, check the oil, maybe even learn what an axle shaft is. However, the more I consider it, the less appealing it is. The Juggernaut’s destruction will be met in either of two ways. Its demise will be of natural, automotive causes, or it will be stolen and someone new can shake their fists at the hood of The Juggernaut, while it sits there vindictively. My opinion is that knowing the quintessential aspects of vehicular maintenance is more prevalent when you and your automotive have a more symbiotic relationship. As for me, until that time, I will continue kicking the tires of the Juggernaut, stamping around it in Yeti fashion, and cursing the day this evil being entered into my life.
*update*
..My break light will not go off. No, the break is not up. Yes, I checked twice, if by twice you mean one-hundred times.
I hate you... you shameless bastard.
